January 17th, 2006

We just had trivia night, here at the local high school. They’re trying to raise several million dollars for a new weight room, something that would be about as useful to me as a set of gills. But I’m trying to be a good sport. We bought tickets, we bought raffle tickets, we bought into the extra trivia games, we bought food, we bought bakery, we tipped our waitress.

And while we were sitting there, the cheerleaders were probably going through our coat pockets for loose change. They got everything large for the raffle.

But I can’t complain too much, since our family won, not one, but two of the fabulous raffle baskets.

The fact that one of them was from the swim team, and we’d thrown in money to put the thing together? Well, that was kind of odd. But What the Hell.

But most importantly,I won a spa basket. A pedicure certificate.

I know how to use that. As I do the $100 at a spa. I see a facial, a massage, or both, in my future.

I have a new nail file. I really needed one of those.

And a basket of assorted spa products. Which is where I run into trouble. The print on these bottles is microscopic. I have no idea what I’ve got, here. They all smell…nice. Yes. Very nice. But none of them appear to be perfume.

The one with a wick is definitely a candle. It says, “gracious light of love.” In three languages, two of which I can’t read.

Getting out the magnifying glass, I see I’ve got a pot of “glossy plasteline” “for wizards”
“crystal fixative lacquer” “for wizards”
“universal mattering mousse” “for wizards”
“quick setting hard gel” “for wizards”
“structuring mist” “for wizards”

I think, for the word “wizard” I’d like to request a substitution. How about “HAIR”?

There is one bottle with print so small I tool it straight to the youngest pair of eyes in the family. He says, according to the label it’s:

“finest oil non oil”
which is of course
“for wizards”.

finest oil non oil. Do we get this from squeezing the oil out of ‘non’s? Is this an anti-matter situation where they’ve managed to get polar opposites into the same bottle? Will it destroy the universe when I open it? Is there nothing in there at all? I think the elements probably cancel each other out in production.

So what I have here must be an empty bottle.
Which smells nice.

I now also have more hair products than I have hair.