Snakes on…well, you know…

August 18, 2006

The day I’ve been waiting for all summer is finally here.

Of course, the day could have been yesterday, if I’d had the energy to stay up for a 10:00 pm show. Full time employment kind of blows.

And I’m pretty sure that “Snakes on a Plane!” is not considered a legitimate excuse for a sick day.

I checked the movie times and requested that the kids choose an appropriately themed pre-movie menu.
Buffalo wings and tater tots.
Actually @#$%^&*&^%$# Buffalo wings and @#$%^&*&^%$# tater tots.

Junk food. Excellent choice.

And off we went to the movie. I was devastated to see that there were less than 20 people in the theater. Where was everybody? What did the rest of the world know? Had they heard something?

Ignore the naysayers. On my summer scale of ‘movies which are funnier than My Super Ex-Girlfriend’ this gets about a 4 times funnier than MSX-G. And probably a ‘3 times funnier than Poseidon.’

Clearly, people who insist that this is not a camp classic, are not bringing enough cards to the table in the talking-back-to-the-movies game. Do not sit with them. Sit with someone else.

Preferably someone who’s seen “Airplane!” a hundred times. Because most lines from that movie can be shouted back at this one to great comic effect. My favorite:

“Is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane, who didn’t have the fish?”

and during the ‘Samuel L Jackson must restart the air conditioner scene,’ you can switch to quoting “Jurassic Park.”

If you want to sit quietly? All possible cliches are present in this movie and you can chuckle quietly to yourself as the villain claims he’s exhausted all the possibilities to kill the witness…

before filling a plane outbound from Hawaii with snake pheromone laced leis (since we always get leis when heading from HI to sunny LA) And triggering a bomb to blow open the box full of poisonous exotic snakes (which he’d apparently bought in LA and had shipped to Hawaii, so he could ship them back. Possibly wearing leis.)

If he had no trouble getting a bomb on board to blow up the snake cage, perhaps he didn’t exhaust all the possible ways of bringing down the…oh just shut up and watch the snakes.

Or place a bet in the disaster movie dead pool. Who will be the first to go? Weigh your choices carefully. The stewardess with one flight left before retirement? Samuel L Jackson’s extraneous partner? Or the girl who takes her shirt off?

We own a B Move game, with a card that says, “We’ve seen your breasts, now you must die.” Kind of says it all.

So remember, on your next flight:

Don’t tamper with the smoke detectors
Don’t do drugs
Don’t take your shirt off
Don’t have sex in the bathroom
Do not talk to your penis (actually, guys, don’t do that even if there are no snakes. It’s lame)
Don’t be a fat woman, drinking from a flask…

Hey. Wait a minute. That one wasn’t funny.

OK. Don’t be a fat woman in a mu mu. Drinking from a flask.

And on the way out of the theater, don’t walk too close to parked cars. When that black lab stuck its nose out of a car right at #2 son, and he jumped two feet in the air and then tries to tell us that, in the dark, it looked vaguely anaconda-ish? That was worth the price of the tickets, right there.