Talking to animals

September 14, 2007

I need to have a long talk with our vet, on the subject of the dog’s weight. Every time I go, they tell me to feed him less. And I think I’ve succeeded. I can definitely see a waistline. If I rub him, I can feel the ribs.

I’ve heard that this is how you judge the obesity of dogs.

But, no matter how much weight this dog loses, he will still be huge. To the best of my knowledge, there is no diet available to make a dog shorter.

And what we’ve got now is a dog in fairly good physical shape, who is very hungry enough to eat anything he can grab, food or not, and smart enough to be resourceful.

This morning’s breakfast, for the human half of the family, was supposed to be apple fritter bread from the local Wal-Mart.

Half of us got some, anyway. When I went to take #2 son to school, I pushed it to the very back of the stove, out of dog range.

Or so I thought.

The dog was nowhere in sight. He’d stayed in the living room, all morning, in his favorite corner, and had not even bothered to get up and watch us eat. I figured the bread was safe for the 20 or so minutes I was going to be gone.

I needed even less time then that, actually. When we were a mile or two from the house, I passed my husband’s car. He was on the way back from working out, and planning to work from home.

So the kitchen was unattended for 5 minutes, tops.

By the time I got back home, the bread was exactly where I’d left it, at the back of the stove. Missing two neat slices off the end from our breakfast, and an enormous chunk out of the side of the loaf.

I asked my husband about it.

He said he thought I’d left it too far to the front of the stove, and had pushed it back.

Less than five minutes to get into the kitchen, find the food, work the loaf to the front of the stove, eat, and get back into the living room, where he could be found, acting nonchalant.

I asked the dog about it.

He pleaded ignorance. Gave me the usual, slightly puzzled, cross-eyed retriever look. He’d been in the living room the whole time. Swear to God.

Licking crumbs off his face and trying to get the apple smell off his breath.

I picked up the loaf and waved it in the air, trying to decide if there was anything left worth saving.

He watched closely, in case anything fell off and hit the floor.

I mean, really. It’s a shame to waste. And if you cut around the big hole in the side, there’s still quite a bit of loaf, left. Except… what’s this, stuck to the good side of the loaf? A long, wavy blond hair? How many natural blonds do we have in a house full of brunettes, huh Kaiju?

I had to throw the bread away, and the dog is still trying to convince me that it might have been the cat.

10 responses to “Talking to animals”

  1. admin says:

    Ah, yes. I sympathize with her. Kai has indulged in sweet potatoes as well. Although he prefers cantaloupe. We had a serious cantaloupe theft problem, this summer. Anything near the edge of the table mysteriously disappeared.

    Musk melon: crack for retrievers.

  2. admin says:

    Ah, yes. I sympathize with her. Kai has indulged in sweet potatoes as well. Although he prefers cantaloupe. We had a serious cantaloupe theft problem, this summer. Anything near the edge of the table mysteriously disappeared.

    Musk melon: crack for retrievers.

  3. cherryredd says:

    Caryle beat me to it. I was going to say, better Apple bread than a dish towel. :) Poor Chris and poor Kaiju. They are so much more resourceful than we give them credit for aren’t they?

  4. cherryredd says:

    Caryle beat me to it. I was going to say, better Apple bread than a dish towel. :) Poor Chris and poor Kaiju. They are so much more resourceful than we give them credit for aren’t they?

  5. pbergson says:

    It could be worse. It could be sweet potatoes.

    (You’ve seen this, right? http://tinyurl.com/2twzdw )

  6. pbergson says:

    It could be worse. It could be sweet potatoes.

    (You’ve seen this, right? http://tinyurl.com/2twzdw )

  7. admin says:

    We’ve managed to keep the socks out of him lately. Although I lost half a red lycra book cover into him, yesterday. I swapped the other half for a slice of roast beef.

    And he actually had to think about it before trading, which proves he’s not as smart as I think. I’m not a great cook, but my roast has got to taste better than the average book cover. I’m thinking, since the fabric is slippery, and smaller than, for example, a sock, this too shall pass.

    And I’ll notice, because it is bright red.

    But the other day, he sat down in the yard and ate through the grass and an inch into the dirt underneath and then got mad at me when I made him stop.

    Eating the lawn gives him wind.

    And a few weeks back, we had to delay departure for the boy’s trip to summer camp, because he was bored and feeling neglected, since #1 son was having a pre-camp sleep over, and the living room was full of teenage boys (who were NOT petting the dog). So Kaiju went into the kitchen, got a sponge and brought it back into the living room to eat.

    We chased the dog for half an hour, trying to give him a shot of hydrogen peroxide so he’d throw up, while he turned his head and locked his jaws shut.

    Eventually we gave up.

    I still haven’t seen that sponge. Did he digest it? Is it still in there? I can’t tell.

    Or is it, as #1 son suggested, only a horrible mistake, and he didn’t actually see the dog eat a sponge at all. Maybe it was actually something else.

    But what?

    I’m about ready to leave the lid off the dog food bin and let him serve himself. At least it will be food.

  8. carylerg says:

    Well, it could have been worse. It could have been a sock. :)

  9. admin says:

    We’ve managed to keep the socks out of him lately. Although I lost half a red lycra book cover into him, yesterday. I swapped the other half for a slice of roast beef.

    And he actually had to think about it before trading, which proves he’s not as smart as I think. I’m not a great cook, but my roast has got to taste better than the average book cover. I’m thinking, since the fabric is slippery, and smaller than, for example, a sock, this too shall pass.

    And I’ll notice, because it is bright red.

    But the other day, he sat down in the yard and ate through the grass and an inch into the dirt underneath and then got mad at me when I made him stop.

    Eating the lawn gives him wind.

    And a few weeks back, we had to delay departure for the boy’s trip to summer camp, because he was bored and feeling neglected, since #1 son was having a pre-camp sleep over, and the living room was full of teenage boys (who were NOT petting the dog). So Kaiju went into the kitchen, got a sponge and brought it back into the living room to eat.

    We chased the dog for half an hour, trying to give him a shot of hydrogen peroxide so he’d throw up, while he turned his head and locked his jaws shut.

    Eventually we gave up.

    I still haven’t seen that sponge. Did he digest it? Is it still in there? I can’t tell.

    Or is it, as #1 son suggested, only a horrible mistake, and he didn’t actually see the dog eat a sponge at all. Maybe it was actually something else.

    But what?

    I’m about ready to leave the lid off the dog food bin and let him serve himself. At least it will be food.

  10. carylerg says:

    Well, it could have been worse. It could have been a sock. :)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *