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May 12th, 2008

It was a tentacle free Mother’s Day.

By my count, there are 3 Korean Restaurants in Wisconsin. And they were all closed.

It is probably just as well, since #1 son was suffering from la Turista (if it is possible for him to get such a thing from a trip to the Milwaukee suburbs, shopping with his girlfriend). But Korean food is probably the worst possible cuisine choice for a person with delicate digestion.

So, I went in search of an entertainment compromise.

We went to Speed Racer on Friday night, which took it off the Mother’s Day agenda. If I had to give you a brief review, I’d say:
“I’ve seen dumber movies.”

Of course, I paid good money for the complete “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes” series. (There are four. Ending with “The Killer Tomatoes Eat France.”) So I may not be the best judge of quality.

Speed Racer, when it remembered that it was based on a bad 60’s cartoon, was kind of fun. But there were far too many scenes where the writers tried to impose some gravitas, and Susan Sarandon was acting like she’d just wandered out of a production of Death of a Salesman, and telling Speed “when I watch you race, it’s like art…”

What the Hell?

And then we’d cut to a scene of the fat little brother and his monkey.

I really hated the fat kid. And I hated his monkey. And I know that it was not technically a monkey, since it has no tail. It is a chimp. A primate. But it does not matter, because I hate it all the same.

But to go into Speed Racer and complain about the monkey is kind of like going in and complaining about all the car races. You know damn well the monkey’s going to be there, so cowgirl up and eat your popcorn.

And actually, by the end, I found myself complaining about the car races. And at the moment, when all was lost, and I’d had enough, #2 son pointed out that the racer announcer was Patrick, from the BBC series “Coupling”. And since Patrick once did a scene where he kept confusing the words penis and car? The last half an hour of Speed Racer became a giant double entendre.

To top it off, the other announcer was Richard Roundtree.

Patrick and Shaft.

So, yeah, I enjoyed “Speed Racer.”

But I wanted to go to the movies on Mother’s Day. And I wanted something that no one else had seen, if I could get it.

My first, second choice was “Flawless” with Demi Moore. But I hate Demi Moore, worse than monkeys. Back when I was a physical and spiritual wreck with a couple of toddlers, Demi was popping out kids with Bruce, and still posing nude in Vanity Fair. And telling the word that you could still be the woman you were before kids, with the same smokin’ hot bod.

And a personal trainer who worked you three hours a day, while the two nannies watched the whelps.

When I heard, a couple of years ago, that Demi had spent hundreds of thousands on plastic surgery and had everything lifted, including her knees. And yet, she is having trouble getting decent roles, because she is a middle aged woman.

Poor dear.

Bwaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

I didn’t really want to spend Mother’s Day with Demi.

Instead, I substituted “Die Faelscher”, which is a truly excellent movie about Jewish counterfeiters in a concentration camp, forced to forge the pound and eventually the dollar. It gave me a chance to lean over to #2 son (who is struggling through high school German) and whisper (in my own broken high school German) “Verstehst du? Etwas? Die Nummer?”

There was plenty of swearing, and a little nudity. So I’m sure he got something out of it.