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November 14th, 2008

I’ve been watching too much TV. Mostly, I’ve been watching too many fine living programs.

I’m voting “Whatever, Martha” as the show most likely to suck my soul totally out of my body and send it straight to hell.

Those of you who have not seen this program are more fortunate than you know. The premise is this: Martha Stewart’s daughter Alexis and her red headed friend watch old clips of Martha’s shows, and provide color (or off color) commentary.

It had such promise. Martha is one of the broadest targets on the planet. How can they miss?

Quite simply, they are not funny. These two women remind me of the girls in junior high who would put gum in your hair, and then laugh. And when you realize that the show is created and produced by Martha, herself, after watching reruns of Mystery Science Theater 3000?

Martha, is it not enough that you have put your stamp on all wedding planning for the last 20 years, tainted the way we celebrate all the major holidays, and elevated the ‘women in prison’ experience from Cell Block H to something more akin to a retreat in the Catskills?

Must you ruin MST3K?

Face the fact, we are all watching this show with glass in our hand, drinking whenever your daughter says something caustic, and waiting eagerly for that moment when she totally snaps, and tells us how you used to beat her with wire hangers.

And since she is continually skirting that border, it’s hard not to feel kind of dirty while watching.

But all would be forgiven, if you were at least funny.

I wasted my time on you, Alexis, and didn’t realize until tonight that it was “It’s Alive” week on Iron Chef Japan. I missed four days of live seafood trying to fight its way out of the pot. But tonight, I am so there. Dubbed cooks manhandling a live pike conger.

I’m not sure what a pike conger is. But I’m sure it’s funnier than anything Martha Stewart can come up with.