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July 27th, 2014

So. The Sunday after RWA and I am still in San Antonio, packing slowly and generally feeling like I have been beaten half to death with a romance stick. I am also writing (slowly) what will be the sequel to THE TRUTH ABOUT LADY FELKIRK.

And procrastinating. Of course. Watched the 50 Shades trailer. I don’t know if I’ll see the movie, but I enjoyed the composition of the trailer. Slow reveal on the hero, slow reveal on the sex, very glossy. Although my current heroine, Margot de Bryun, who is rather feminist for 1820, was wondering what was wrong with that girl’s posture. She will never get men to take her seriously if she doesn’t stand up straight and stop looking at the floor.

Oh, Margot, you so silly.

And then, I found this article.

To the women of America: 4 Reasons to hate 50 Shades.

Of course, I looked. And then checked, and double checked, to see whose maiden aunt got a blog at Entertainment Weekly.

Matt Walsh starts out by saying he hasn’t read it. As someone who just wrote a blog about not having seen GoT, I can’t point a finger there. But I think it should start out with “I’ve never been a woman, (or met one, appairently) BUT….”

But please, sir, enlighten us. Why should we hate this book? Which was out years ago, BTW. So you are a little late to this subject.

1 Because we aren’t stupid.

Thanks for throwing us a bone. I skimmed the first two books (for the dirty parts, because I am shallow) and was not a big fan of the medula oblongata, or the Inner Goddess. But there are parts I’d change in almost every book I read. Because I am an author. There were parts I’d change. There were parts I liked. Critical reading, because, as you point out, I am not stupid.

But waving the stupid flag is an equally good reason not to read Matt Walsh or EW or pretty much anything. There are better uses of my time than hanging out on the internet, looking at pictures of cats. But I’m not going to stop, so go on.

2 Because we don’t fall for cynical marketing.

Don’t be an idiot. Of course we do. I went to A Million Ways to Die in the West. Talk about falling for marketing. I fell hard on that one. But I also went to all the Marvel movies, and am near to wetting my pants waiting for Guardians of the Galaxy. Matt Walsh recommends the Next Ninja Turtles as an alternative to 50 Shades.

What did we say about stupidity again? I forgot. But that was point one and ages ago.

Also, I am probably going to the Turtles movie. Because… marketing.

3 Because you’re a Christian

Why yes, I am, sir. A Christian who write romance novels (which you diss in this point). Sex and Christianity are not mutually exclusive. Nor are Christianity and romance novels. In fact, all romance novels are about relationships, not just empty sex. Even the 50 Shades trilogy is about the relationship between two characters who are headed towards monogamy and marriage.

If you, Matt Walsh, were a virgin when you married, never go to strip clubs, masturbate, look at porn, or any woman other than your wife (assuming you have one) then you may play the Christian card. If you are not maried, you better still be a virgin, and you better get your ass over to Christian Mingle and find a nice girl who hasn’t read 50 Shades. There are still a couple left, I think. Although that book sold a lot of copies, so maybe not.

4 Because feminism.

So, feminism doesn’t actually mean I get to read whatever I feel like? Because I was kind of hoping it was about my getting paid equally, so I could have money to spend on whatever books and movies I want to go to. I’m pretty sure feminism isn’t about some guy telling me what to read and mansplaining feminism to me.

Revisiting the beginning of what would happen, if Matt Walsh were on a desert island with 50 Shades and a screwdriver. If I were there with him? Well, I know one thing that wouldn’t happen. Not if he was the last man on earth. And I could probably help with the stabbing…