And Happy New Year!

This year, at Casa de Dos Quesos, the gifts of the magi are Pepto Bismol, hand sanitizer and bleach wipes. Despite the fact that we are not sure how many of us can safely enjoy it, I am cooking symbolically again this year, in an effort to stay in the mood for my 2011 Christmas book (currently in progress).

Roast beef, Yorkshire pudding, and roast potatoes, since I am cooking for the North. A cauliflower recipe I got from the Dickens cookbook, and trifle for desert. Last night’s slapped together Christmas pudding was a disaster, but tasty.

And although we are currently enjoying the Doctor Who Christmas special, The Bourne Ultimatum seems to be on the TV, whenever I turn it on.

When I complained that this did not say Christmas to me, #1 son explained that it was because

Bourne is our Lord and Savior.

Rimshot!

For Jill, and anyone else who might have wondered, the nativity scene arrived safely. Apparently, it was a ceramic class project for some woman named Edyth S. Her name is etched in the bottoms. And where ever it had been, it has been sitting for quite a while. I washed a thick layer of dust off of it, and put it in the hall.

It’s huge.

With a normal holy family, ox and ass.

Three Kings with Fabulous camel!

Shepherds with flock of sheep and bonus camel!
And these are Bactrian camels. Two humps for the price of one.

An d finally, some girl that wandered in from the Book of Revelations.

And finally, a special gift link, from one of my readers, Lorna Toolis. This is a story that had us all snorting at the computer.

THe Year Kenny Loggins Ruined Christmas

This year, for Christmas, I am replacing the nativity scene.

The one we’d been putting up was something I bought when I was still a teenager, with cornhusk dolls and little wooden animals I’d picked up in an import store. It is heavy on the cute, heavy on the folksy, and good for a family with small kids.

And after 30 plus years it is falling apart. It doesn’t help that Fluffer the cat, who is obviously an atheist, likes to push Jesus out of the way and sleep in the manger. Or that Havoc the labradoodle ate one of the sheep last year.

Or maybe it was the dog. The animals are on the primitive side and the horse, sheep cat and dog don’t differ by much than color. They are also probably painted with lead paint. Although the dog is too smart for his own good, and almost too smart for us, and he could stand to lose a few IQ points, just to level the playing field, I would feel bad about purposely handicapping him by feeding him paint chips.

So I am in the market for a new set. And since I suspect that there would be good karma attached to a used nativity scene, I was shopping on EBay.

If there can be such a thing as karma on an avatar of Christianity. Anyway, I am thinking the aura, the warm fuzzy, the vibes, the past life, or whatever you want to call it, on a used nativity set is better than it would be on a used engagement ring, or a second hand firearm. I have no problem with buying used on this.
I also know that it will be cheaper. I bought cornhusks back in the 70’s. I am not the sort looking to upgrade to the full Fontanini crèche with extra buildings. Not only is it expensive, but my husband would prefer that I not cycle directly from a full Halloween village into the village of Bethlehem.

Although, for a couple of thousand dollars, I could get Mary, Joseph and sheep at almost life size…

But no. Going cheap. Ebay.

Right off the bat, I reject anything white (too bland) and brightly colored (too garnish). Jesus should not have glitter. And since I have already done folksy, I am not seeking anything too ethnic. The Peruvian set is interesting. But I do not want a llama in my manger.

Searching for maximum number of figures, I find one listed as having four kings. Interesting. But not traditional. Although, should Fluffer climb back into the barn and knock something over, I would have a spare.

And the set listed as “Nativity Scene with Black Man” might actually be breaking the no bad vibes rule. Apparently, the previous owner does not realize that the Three Kings are mixed race. On looking at the pictures of this set, I have to admit, I would have listed it as “With Al Jolson”. The king in question has an exceptionally bad paint job.

Scratch that one on “possibly racist” and “definitely ugly.”

I settle on one with a starting bid under $16 and 18 pieces. Ceramic, good condition. Brown tones with muted accents. No glitter.

We are good so far.

There are plenty of shepherds, plenty of sheep, an angel, the requisite number of kings, and a camel.
I have never had a camel. I want one.

But this is Ebay. There is always a catch. The kings have a servant. She has a hand thrown back to her forehead in what I suspect it awe. She also seems to have a pierced navel. And one exposed breast.

For $16 plus shipping, I’ve just bought a topless nativity scene.

Today, it is snowing.

I live in Wisconsin. It is December. Snow should not be a surprise. And so far, this is not the spirit lifting, fluffy Christmas card snow. Yesterday had the occasional icy flakes that tell you Fall is gone and is not coming back. Today is the sort of thin flurry that will never amount to much, other than a grey sky and a few icy patches on the road.

But in other ways, Wisconsin is doing me proud. Last night on The Colbert Report, Stephen was given a cheese sculpture of himself from Wisconsin.

Strangely enough, there is nothing on their website to trumpet this fact.

http://www.organicvalley.coop/

And I cannot find a picture on the web this morning. But I know I did not dream it, since I am not prone to dreaming of Stephen Colbert. Or cheddar.

And over Thanksgiving weekend, we went up North for a quick visit to my folks and saw a true Wisconsin moment. I did not do the crock pot and carry Thanksgiving I’ve done the last few years, since my mother was eager to go to the friendship dinner for the lonely and homeless, rather than having me cook.

Oh, come on. My cooking is not that bad. Really. We had a sit down meal here, complete with multiple sides and several pies. To the best of my knowledge, no one died from it. We took the leftovers from it up North, and left them in Mom’s fridge.

But while there, we took a quick trip to the Shopko on Black Friday. Probably because we are insane. And we spent some family time staring into the Heart of Darkness that is the bin of $10 gifts for the cheap and lazy. This is the place for office exchanges and white elephant swaps. Or for actual gifts for family members that you do not like very much.

#1 son pulled up a winner. A keychain breathalyzer. After the party, blow into it and it will tell you whether you’re safe to drive. And #1 pointed out that there was a flashlight attached for “When you decide to ignore it, and need help finding the ignition.”

Merry Christmas. Because nothing says “We all think you’re a drunk” quite like giving a breathalyzer for Christmas. This should be displayed next to the ironic exercise equipment and membership coupons for Weight Watchers.

But no. Shopko had put it in the same bin as hip flasks.

Welcome to Wisconsin. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.

A local church has a sign in front of it, that sets my teeth on edge. The slogans they put up there are intended to be catchy. but more often, they tend to be more hopelessly misguided than pithy. And they have a tendency to play fast and loose with grammar and punctuation that makes me want to knock on the door and take possession of their apostrophes for the good of mankind.

A plural does not need a sky comma. A possessive does.

And the shortest verse in the Bible is “Jesus wept.” I think of it frequently, when I look at this sign.

But this week, they’ve outdone themselves.

What goes up, must come down.
Like Jesus.

Not trying to be unchristian here. But you can’t just add Jesus to every sentence to improve it.

Things go better with Coke! Jesus! will work, I suppose. But this particular thing on the sign does not.

It’s kind of like the way you can add in bed to any fortune cookie.
The time is right to reach your goals in bed works pretty well.
But Name the four basic food groups in bed…

Actually, that kind of works, too. And I really did get that fortune. It is top of my all time favorite cookie messages. Now that there is a food pyramid, I am nostalgic for those for basic groups.

But in the case of just add Jesus, you should make an effort to read what you are writing. What goes up, must come down is kind of like saying Pride goeth before a fall. Which is at least from the Bible. But it does not express the message you are trying to send.

And there is also the fact that, Jesus came down, and then went up. And then came down again, and went back up. So is the order on the sign even correct, or are we just starting in the middle of the story?

I am now brooding, like Tom Sizemore and Johnny Knoxville in the movie Big Trouble. “We’re arriving. But we’re departing…”

Anyway. Back to the question of what should be on the sign. Might I make some recommendations:

Yes

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
All good things come to he who waits.
April showers bring forth May flowers.
Don’t let the turkeys get you down.
In the midst of life we are in death.
To err is human; to forgive divine.

No

Life begins at forty.
Talk softly and carry a big stick.
When the cat’s away the mice will play.
When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

The Da Vinci Code

Behind every great man there’s a great woman.

And nine days late, of course. Although blogging regularly in October, in Novemeber I am already behind.

I finished the last two days of October, with a horror movie glut.

The Revenge of Frankenstein.
And
Frankenstein Created Woman
(Hammer time. Hammer studios, that is.)

Shaun of the Dead (Another perfect movie)

The Crazies (The new version. Not great, but good enough)

The Fly (The original Fly. Helllp Meeeeeeeee!)

The Tower of London (Only scary if you are one of the two princes).

House of Wax (In glorious 2D and with Vincent Price and not Paris Hilton.)

Jekyll (The BBC miniseries. Highly recommended.)

The Walking Dead on AMC.
I am already an episode behind on this series, since I watched Sherlock on PBS this Sunday. Still unsure. Do not steal a horse during a zombie apocalypse. It will get eaten.

Aside from the movies, the high point of the season for me was the discovery of pozole, traditional pork and hominy soup made for the Day of the Dead. Supposedly, it has pre-Columbian origins and was originally made with people.

Probably a good menu for a showing of Soylent Green.

Also, rumor has reached me from the UW, that #1 son’s Halloween costume was a partial failure. It seems, if you are out as Sid Vicious without #1 girlfriend to be Nancy, you will be mistaken for Edward Cullen.

So, it’s official. Heroin addicts and vampires look the same.

October 25th Creature from the Black Lagoon

Going back to an old favorite. Campy fun, with nice underwater photography, and Seahunt era bathing suits. As usual, a Creature goes after the girl, and things end badly for him.

October 26th Them!

This movie has held up better than all the other creature features from its era. It still has some genuine scares in it. Weird sound effects and a creepy, traumatized girl with a broken doll. It takes a good third of the movie to get to the ants, and by then, the tension is ratcheted up pretty high.

There is also a plucky girl scientist, who stays smart for the duration of the movie. Very progressive, for the 50’s.

As with the Black Lagoon, I always wonder why they haven’t remade this one.

October 27th Paranormal Activity 2

Loved it. And can’t say much more than that, without giving away the plot. Not just a rip-off. It does a clever job of working a sequel into a movie that was meant as a standalone, back spinning the plot to explain the other story.

Not recommended for the faint of heart if
You have a dog.
Or a kid.
Or a basement.
Or are named Chris. Every time they called the heroine by name, I twitched.

October 28th Don’t Look Now

I tried. This is supposed to be one of those atmospheric movies that scared everyone in the 70’s.

Maybe a little. But it was a little too subtle for me, although I found the images of Venice in winter to be moody and a little chilling. Also, the sex scene might be erotic, or at least touching, if you are the sort of person who doesn’t mind looking at a naked Donald Sutherland. Personally, I found this to be one of the scarier parts of the movie.

October 29th Black Sheep

The best movie ever.

This was recommended by #1 son, and my friend Jean. I don’t know if either of them have actually seen it, or if this was some kind of dare, after I expressed my love for the dairy farm monster, earlier this month.

But man eating sheep are better. As are the were-sheep that the bitten humans become. The hero is in therapy for his unfortunate phobia of sheep. As killer sheep are trying to eat through a door to get him he says it’s

“Just the completely unfounded and irrational fear that one day *this* is going to happen!”

There are bestiality jokes, sheep farts, and a mint jelly attack. Also, lots and lots of sheep, struggling to look vicious.

October 20th Phantasm

I saw this move when it came out in theaters, in 1979. I hated it then. It spawned a series. I don’t understand why. I watched it again, figuring every thirty years or so, one should offer a second chance.

Or maybe not.

#2 son wanted to know why the hero’s hair was so girly. I told him, it was because it was the 70’s. Everyone looked like that, back then.

The hair and clothes were scary, as was the acting, and the brief musical interlude. Also, the fact that the chiller network blurs out bare nipples, but leaves the rest of the body give the gratuitous nudity in this movie a Barbie Doll quality that was pretty disturbing.

The rest of it was still dumb.

October 21st The Abominable Doctor Phibes

Now that’s more like it. This movie knows it’s cheesy. It’s all right with that, and so am I.

I remember first seeing the climactic “He shall have a face… like mine…” scene on a Saturday morning kids show on ABC. There was probably something seriously wrong with showing horror movies to us little kiddies, along with all the violence in our cartoons.

It probably explains a lot about the warps in my character.

October 22nd Let Me In

The American remake of the movie I just watched last week. Definitely worth going to the theater for. Belongs firmly in the ‘movies that don’t suck’ category.

I’ve always thought that actual childhood can be much scarier than anything in a horror movie, and this story proves it.

Ocober 23rd Five Million Years to Earth

#2 was rolling his eyes at me, but I like this movie. Another Hammer film, and of a character more popular in Britain than America, Professor Bernard Quatermass. A kind of proto Doctor Who. I watch it every time it is on, which is about once a year.

The effects are cheap, with things flying around on wires. But by the time the aliens drive everyone mad, and the rioting and wind machines start, I am always properly creeped out by this movie.

October 24th Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy

Ouch.

I saw the Abbott and Costello movies when I was a kid. And then saw a rerun a couple of years ago, and thought they were still fun.

I must have been drinking heavily at the time. Or else the quality fell off by the time they got to the Mummy. The high point of this was trying to decide if that was Mel Cooley from the Dick Van Dyke Show, under all that Egyptian make-up.

It was.

Other than that, it was a long 90 minutes.

We are now up to the last week before Halloween. Where are all the good movies? I have taken over the remote, and am spending too much time flipping through the channels, amazed by the amount of things that are not frightening me this year.

A targeted application of Netflix will be necessary to get me through the last few days of this month, since it does not appear that I can depend on satellite TV to do its job.

October 17th Suspiria

I don’t get it.

No really.

This is supposed to be a classic of Italian horror. The sets were ugly. The lighting was ugly. The acting was bad. It had a sound track that made me want to punch someone.

And the villain hummed along with it.

As it is explained in the middle of the movie: a witch starts a school for ballet and the occult arts. But when she dies, they kind of drop the occult and focus on the ballet.

That explanation was the highpoint for me. But there was another hour and forty five minutes that set my teeth on edge.

October 18th Let the Right One In

Much better.

Oppressive, sad, romantic. And scary.

Little Oskar has a crush on the girl next door. Even though she’s eating the neighbors.

I’m looking forward to seeing the remake this week. It’s from the new Hammer studios. For that reason alone, I’d go.

October 19th The Mummy’s Crotch.
I mean Shroud.

From the old Hammer studios. Not one of their finer moments.

As #2 son pointed out, the mummy has a camel toe. Not a moose knuckle (as one would expect from a male mummy. A camel toe.

There is really not a good look for Imhotep, or whoever he’s supposed to be. He seems to be wearing a rag jumpsuit, complete with gathered sleeves and a zipper. I am mesmerized by all the things wrong with his costume, and cannot focus on the plot.

Bonus flick Cloverfield

I liked it in the theater. It still works on TV, although they cut the majority of the closing credit theme, Roar, by Michael Giacchino. This wonderful riff on the old Toho studios Godzilla scores is on my Ipod, along with a lot of other Giacchino soundtracks.

Of course, the whole movie is a riff on Godzilla. When you consider that Godzilla was a direct response to the nuclear end to WWII, then Clover destroying NYC is just a part of the 9-11 healing process. The kaiju is a symbol of all we cannot understand or control.

And yet, strangely fun.

October 13th Dawn of the Dead

Zombies in a shopping mall. The original version, not the remake. First saw it in the theater when it came out. Didn’t get it.
More fun, now that I know the soundtrack music by Dario Argento was reused in Shaun of the Dead. Am also a lot more amused, now days, by nihilism and capitalist zombies.

October 14th 28 Days Later

Zombies attack Britain and Christopher Eccleston goes mad.

But they are not zombies. We are not using the zed word.

I am worried that the month is getting a little zombie-heavy. But there will be more, I am sure.

October 15th Gamera vs. Monster X

A jet powered turtle saves the World’s Fair. Two little boys steal a mini-sub and go for a joy ride down his throat.

And a Japanese scientist explains that the monster is weaker outside of his natural environment, just as Eskimos become weaker when you take them to a warmer climate.

What the Hell?

Also, never blow into a statue named The Devil’s Whistle.

But this and a margarita got me through cleaning the kitchen. Therefore, it’s a great movie.

October 16th Isolation

If Alien was set on a dairy farm, it would be this movie.

The first straight up scare of the month for me. Full of what #1’s friend Olivia called ‘hoodie moments’.

You know. Where you hide your face in your hoodie, to keep from seeing the scary part?

This is an Irish indie movie, small, obscure and by a first time director, that plays on UK fears of mad cow and hoof and mouth. Bloody, in a veterinary sort of way. Most reviews use the word ‘claustrophobic.’ They are accurate.

Maybe I am biased. I was scared by the rather silly Signs, because I watched it alone and surrounded by corn fields. But Isolation manages to make Holstein cows look threatening.

I will not be going up the hill to visit the neighbor’s herd.

Can’t sleep. Cows will eat me.

Oct. 8th Diabolique

The original in French with subtitles. My first foreign scare of the season. I’ve known the plot of this movie forever, but have never watched it. Not supernatural, but still creepy as hell, with a murder going horribly wrong and a vanishing corpse. A slow growing tension to an excellent climax.

Oct. 9th King Kong

The newest version. Scary enough, until Kong goes on his NYC date with Ann. Skating in central park? Why? Peter Jackson could have cut those fifteen minutes, and made me a happy camper. But I love deco New York, the dino stampede and assorted monsters.

Also, the labradoodle is obsessed with a rubber throwing toy also called a Kong. Half the dialog, and any comments from the audience left him in a conflicted state, thinking that we were about to go out for a game of fetch.

Since Havoc is one of the least scary dogs on the planet, it kind of killed the mood.

Oct. 10th Fright Night Soon to be remade with David Tennant and that McLovin’ kid from Superbad.

But this is the 80’s classic “My neighbor is a vampire” teen movie. The movie teen-agers are obviously closer to 30 than high school, but Chris Sarandon totally rocks a leather trench coat, as a New Wave Dracula.

Oct. 11th White Zombie

Not the band.

This has been in my collection forever, unwatched. I saw it in the 70’s, and missed the subtleties of it. Vaguely expressionistic and a little kinky, with a bride turned to zombie slave by an obsessed stalker. Full of shambling half-deads, jumping soundlessly off cliffs.

The 30’s costumes are great, like a zombie fashion show complete with evening bridal and lingerie. Both the hero and the villain prove that jodhpurs are a hard look to pull off.

And Bela Lagosi needs an eyebrow trim. They seem to be growing backwards. You can almost smell the spirit gum.

Oct. 12th Ghostbusters

You’ve all seen it. And if you haven’t, what are you waiting for? It manages to be both funny and scary, especially if you are a librarian with a fear of disordered card files.